A Hard Pill to Swallow
by Imnotlettingyoutouchmymug
Summary: Jade West... A girl who hears and sees things nobody else does. A girl who tried to end it all. A girl who was sent to America's Regional Safe Environment (AKA the looney bin). With only a diary to share her thoughts with, Jade's excited when new girl Tori Vega moves into her room. Will Tori help Jade finally stop the hatred for herself? Jori Romance?
1. Chapter 1

Hey! I'm pretty excited about this story, and I hope you like it :)

*Please do not read if you have had any suicidal thoughts, or self harm, or are sensitive to these issues*  
Sadly I do not own Victorious or any of its characters.  
This writing is in third persons POV (narrator)  
_This writing is Jades Diary (in first persons POV)_

This writing is a flashback in first persons POV

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_I've decided to start writing this because I feel alone. Like nobody cares... Nobody understands. Like if I died no one would appear at my funeral. I feel worthless. This is a feeling that's hung over me for years now. I've gotten better at coping with it, you eventually have to learn to. Do you care about me diary? Would you care if I died? Probably not... Though it's not as if you have a choice is it. You'd probably leave too if you could, but don't worry, I don't blame you. I mean who'd want to hang around with an insane freak of nature like me? No living being anyway. I've only got you, and the friends in my head of course, though they never give me good advice. Just remember, the things I'm going to tell you are secret, nobody else knows. So don't dare go blabbing! Of course you can't, you're only a diary after all, and I'm the one in charge of you. Remember that..._

_Oh my god, what am I doing? Am I going insane?! I'm talking to a diary... A DIARY! Of course I'm insane silly, that's why I've been sent here, to this 'special' place, ARSE (Americas Regional Safe Environment) which has been my home for exactly 1 year 14 days. Yes I've actually counted everyday I've been in here. Days of torture. The doctors and nurses still aren't entirely sure abour how to "deal" with me. Even after a long year! Though that's mainly because I never talk about my past, I try to block it out, to avoid all the pain that comes with it. It's complicated you see..._

_loI'm not like the other patients here, most of them have their own little groups they hang around with, but I don't. They all get to share a room with each other, and the staff always treat them better than me! The staff here, think that it'd be unfair to have someone in the same room as me._

_div "You don't deserve to have anything..." That's what the friends in my head are always telling me. "You're useless, nobody wants you, you're a nobody..." I believe them, because at least they're being honest with me, unlike everyone else. Who avoid me like the plague._

_I feel I should give you a name, like Arnold, David, Bob or George... No, they don't seem right. I'll come up with a name for you later. The more real you seem the better. My best friend is a DIARY! Can't get anymore sad than that...  
I need to tell someone, as this pain and guilt is eating away at me and won't stop. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. This is what's made me like this, so if i stop it, everything will stop. I'll be like a 'normal' person.  
I know telling you, isn't like telling a real person, as you can't answer back, but as long as you seem real to me, everything will be fine. At least I hope so._

Jade sighed resting her pen down. She closed the diary, and put it away inside her pillowcase. No one will look there until bed changing's, and the occasional inspections. They search for drugs or any form of sharp objects in the rooms. It's now time for dinner, so Jade set off down the long dark hall to the dining room to eat with all the rest of the looneys. Wonder what's for dinner tonight, it's Friday, so usually some slimey undercooked fish, with a curdled cheese sauce and lumpy tasteless mashed potatoes.

When she arrived, she could tell she was right from the reek of fish round the room. She grabbed a tray, got her food, and went to her usual table in the right hand corner of the room. She's always sat here, and no one else has really stopped her, none of them have ever sat with her. Jade ate most of her potatoes, but left the fish. The nurses were going round keeping an eye on how much people are eating. Most of them are regarded as 'anorexic', including herself, though she does try to eat the dinners.

"Hey Jade...", Nurse Bell, a tall skinny fake blonde woman, interrupted her thoughts.

"Just to remind you, after dinner you've to see Dr. Lane", she informed her.

Jade nodded, and pretended to return to her dinner by taking some of the floury sauce, as Nurse Bell left swishing her arms vigorously as she walked to another table.

Jade's never really liked Nurse Bell, her own life has always seemed to be more important than helping people, and she's often rude to people. At least to Jade she is. Nurse Bell doesn't care about any of them, she only cares about getting out of here and leaving. She doesn't give them the respect she'd give other people. Jade could give another hundred reasons why she didn't like her, but that would take hours.

After Jade had finished what she could of the 'dinner', she went along to her psychologist's room, left of the dinning room and at the end of a hall. She knocked on the door, and waited outside. The handle moved down, and Dr. Lane appeared as the door swung inside.

Jade, long time no see, come on in", said holding his arm out for her to come inside. "Jade nodded smiling and entered the familiar room, the same yellow walls, the same the same brown leather couch, the same shit brown carpet. She sat down, to face Dr. Lane's desk, which was covered in papers.  
"Sorry about the mess, it's been a rather busy day", he said wiping up spilled coffee on his desk before sitting down.  
"So, anyway how have you been recently?", he asked, grabbing a pen and paper.  
"Okay, thanks. The medication seems to be working well", she lied. Most of the time she flushed it down the toilet, or down the sink when no one was looking. She didn't want to be fully drugged up the rest of her life. The voices have been quite bad recently, but she's learnt to deal with them, they're just a part of life. They generally get worse whenever she's feeling depressed.  
"That's good, I'm happy with the progress you've been making recently, it's a real improvement", he smiled.  
"So, I think it's best today if we take another look at some relaxation techniques, as these can also help with the voices, and it's been quite a while since we have looked at it"

Jade nodded. /div  
"Jade, what sort of things help you feel relaxed?", he asked, and got a piece of paper to write them down.  
Cutting, that's what used to make her feel relaxed, the feel of a blade slitting along the veins in her wrists. Bright red fresh blood spurting all over the bathroom floor. It released all the pain she was feeling inside, and made her feel better for a while. She obviously couldn't tell him that though.

"...Music, reading, baths, walking, writing" She said, listing anything she could think of.

"These things are all good, but they aren't always so handy, because you may not be able to get them. People will also be able to tell what you're doing, so we're going to do some relaxation in your head"

"Right, is there any place you can think of that makes you feel relaxed? It could be real or imaginary"He asked clasping his hands together, resting his elbows on the sticky desk.  
Jade nodded."When I was still living at home, there was an old stone bridge nearby my house, I don't know whether it's still there now... But anyway, there's a fifty foot drop down into a river bellow. The bridge was used all the time until they'd built a new one a few miles away. Just to save 20 minutes of people's time. Back then, you'd be lucky to find a living soul there..."

"I used to go there all the time with my little brother..."

**"Hey Jade come on hurry up", my brother yelled running ahead of me, towards the bridge. **

**I tried to keep up with him, but it was so hot, and I was so exhausted. I was panting like a dog... **

**I watched him stop at the bridge, looking over the wall at the water bellow. **  
**"Can we go swimming Jade?", he asked eagerly.**  
**"Yeah, after lunch", I told him. **  
**I grabbed the purple blanket from my bag, and laid it down on a long strip of grass beside the bridge. Ryan sat down and I handed him a sandwich, before sitting down next to him getting my own sandwich. It was peaceful, there wasn't a single person there, my special place. **  
**Ryan's sandwich was gone in what seemed like seconds, so he went back to the bridge, watching the water rushing past the bridge, from the deep still water on the other side. I watched him for a while, then got a bottle of water from my bag, and took a sip out of it, before pouring a little on my hands to make them feel slightly cleaner. I looked back up at Ryan, who'd climbed on top of the wall...**  
**"Ryan!", I yelled running towards him.**  
**Did he even realise the danger he was putting himself in? I swear he scared me to death at that point.**

**I wrapped my arms around him, and from the impact of me rushing towards him he fell backwards. I tried to get a grip of him. But I didn't, instead I caught the air. **

**No! **

**No!**

** No!**

**No!**

**No!**

**No!**

**No!**

** No!**

**No!**

**"No!" I screeched. **

**I grabbed the side of the wall looking down at him. Tears were pouring out my eyes uncontrollably. His body hit the water, and crashed down onto the rocks bellow, his body was swept away, the water turned bright red around him. I sobbed my heart out for hours. I couldn't control any of my emotions... The only person who's ever loved me, was dead, and it was all my fault.**

**It seemed as if everything around me stopped, I was just kneeling there sobbing my heart out. Why won't the world just stop?**

"Jade..."

"Oh sorry, what?", She asked as passed her a tissue from the box beside him. She didn't even realise she was crying.  
"You where telling me about the old bridge down near your house..."

"Oh yeah, I like going to the bridge, because it reminds me of all the fun my brother and I used to have there. My brother is the only person who's ever truly loved me. Whenever I went to the river after he passed away, I'd say a prayer for him... To remember him by... It's a place I've always felt closer to him, a place where I can see him and hear him"

"What do you mean by you could hear and see him?"

"Well... Whenever I went just underneath the bridge, I could see him, his spirit... He'd always tell me "Don't blame yourself Jade, it isn't your fault. I love you Jade" That doesn't stop me blaming myself though..."

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I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Please review or pm me on where you would like this story to go. I have got an idea in my head, but any new ideas would be kindly appreciated. I'll try and update soon, though I've got 2 visual essays to complete. See ya bye! X 


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, I'm back with a new chapter! Hope it isn't too unrealistic. Thank you to all of you who read the first chapter, and thank you to those who reviewed, followed and Favorited!  
Invader Johnny- I didn't realise before, it is quite similar to killing daddy, other than the fact this time she's actually upset about it.  
Susan- Thank you so much for reading, I'll try to update once a week.  
ScottyBgood- We will eventually find out what's wrong with Jade, more will be uncovered in her next few visits with Dr. Lane.  
Thanks for reading and reviewing :)  
Anyway, I hope you enjoy ;)  
*This chapter contains self harm*

This writing is in 3rd persons POV (narrator)  
_This writing is Jade's diary (in first person)_

**This writing is a flashback (in first person)**

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Jade looked out of her window, which would only open slightly, so no one could escape... The moon was projecting an eerie light to the miles of field outside. The trees were rustling violently from the wind, whistling around her window. She sighed, and looked around the room.  
"Graham, go away! How many times do I have to tell you?!", Jade yelled at the ghost like figure staring back at her.  
"You too Sarah, get lost back to wherever you came from, go away!" She half screamed. The last thing she wanted was to have the Nurses come in on her.  
Jade looked at Elizabeth, who was swinging open and shut her wardrobe door on the other side of the room. Then to Henry, who tended to get closer to her than she'd like. Henry looked around the same age as her brother, he reminded her of him in a lot of ways... He had the same hair, same eyes, and same build. Henry even has a similar personality as to what Ryan once had. Every time she looked at him, it would remind her of Ryan. "Henry... Two words. Fuck. Off!"  
"How can you tell us that, when just a year and a month ago you tried to join us? Don't worry, you still will, a year and 2 days from now...", he warned.  
"Yeah right, as if I'm going to believe that. How could I possibly be dead...?" She asked, hesitant to carry on.  
"No, I'm telling the truth... On November 26th 2015, you will be out of here, and at exactly 9:27 pm, you will be ran over by the 9:32 bus to Long Beach"

"Really, what a shame, I would've liked something a bit more exciting than that!" Jade smirked. He told her this sort of thing every night...

"You will finally be reunited with your brother... Ryan...", he told her.  
Jade frowned at him then, a sign to let him know he'd gone too far. How dare he mention him in this! Just thinking about her brother sent shivers down her spine... The memories of her brothers death will haunt her forever. Will they go away when she's dead? Will the pain she's felt for the past 2 years ever go away? How it was all her fault her younger brother was now dead... He was only 9 at the time, but boy was he smart. Ryan knew an awful lot for a nine year old, he had a bright future, which was put to an abrupt stop that would never end...

She loved him more than words could say, which is what caused her to take it so badly... It didn't help the fact that her parents blamed her too. Her father, and step mom Roxanne (who was Ryan's mother).

They always reminded her of how it was all her fault. That she doesn't deserve to live. That she is gods mistake to Earth...

**"...Just get out of my sight, you stupid fucking bitch!", my father yelled, hugging Roxanne soothingly through tears.**

**I ran up the stairs sobbing, and locked myself in the bathroom, grabbing a razor, and pulling out the blade. This was the point where her occasional self harm became extreme...**

**Clambering into the bathtub, I stripped off all my clothing, throwing items round the room. I looked at the blade in my hand, which appeared blurry from the tears threatening to escape. I turned over my left arm, staring at the veins, which had a tree like shape. I slowly slid the blade over the veins, making a shallow cut beneath my skin. A small treacle of blood escaped, running down my hand into the bath. The pleasure tempted me to go further, deeper, harder, faster... I found myself begging for more.**

**I didn't need to be asked twice, and slid the blade along my wrist again, this time harder and deeper. Bright red blood escaped, and I cut again, and again, deeper and deeper, harder and harder. The blood was pouring out my arm, running down into the drain at my feet, which felt sticky from the dried in blood they were covered in...**

**After about 20 minutes of cutting through sobs, I began feeling drowsy, which is when I realised to stop. Even though I really didn't want to. I tried to stand up, to grab a black towel from the unit, as it wouldn't show up the blood. Though my legs went weak as soon as I stood up, and I collapsed down into the bath, bashing my head off the shower head, before falling back into the bath. Everything fell black...**

**The next thing I knew, my father was here and Roxanne. Roxanne must have dressed me, as I now have black leggings and a T-shirt on. I stared down to my wrist, which had been covered by a bandage, wrapped round multiple times. They'd also moved me down to the living room, as I was now lying on the couch, with them on the other one. I sat up, and waited for them to say something... Anything.**

**"You just have to be centre of attention, don't you Jade. I mean Ryan is... dead because of you, and you still have to make everything about you. That's the way you've always been though Jade, always have to have the drama surrounding you, I just can't put up with you any more Jade. You're such a selfish bitch, I don't know what to do with you. I don't even want you to exist. I'd rather you were dead", he told me.**  
**I nodded, making sure not to cry... I couldn't cry now, not now. Any time but now. Those words would stick with me forever. Those words, just seemed to make me want to end it all even more.**

Jade stared down at her wrist, even though it was dark, she could still make out each individual cut. The satisfaction she used to get from that, the relief. It was a good type of pain.

"Goodnight everyone", she frowned turning to face the window, before falling asleep.

The light streamed in through the window, brightening the room, shooing the ghosts off. Jade sighed peacefully, falling into half sleep, just an hour more. After 10 minutes, Dr. Boston knocked on the door before entering.

"Morning Jade, did you sleep all right?", She asked handing her her morning pills

"Morning. Yeah, good thanks", well at least once she was asleep it seemed better...  
"Do you mind if I stay in my room a little longer? I'm just still quite tired.", she asked, knowing Dr. Boston would say yes.

"Yeah, just come through to the dining hall to get some breakfast when you're ready", she told her, leaving the room. At the same time Jade pretended to take her pills, though as soon as the door was shut, she flushed them down the toilet.  
Jade sighed, not really wanting to sleep any longer. Grabbing a pen from the top of her drawers, she took out her diary from her pillowcase.

_Hi, unfortunately I haven't been able to come up with a name for you yet, as everything's been a bit stressful. Mainly due to seeing my psychologist yesterday evening though. Dr. Lane. He's a perfectly nice man, and has always been kind and understanding towards me ever since I arrived here._

_Anyway, yesterday, we were taking another look at relaxation techniques you can do mentally, which reminded me of the bridge. The bridge near my house, where my brother died because of ME. Ryan was only 9. He didn't deserve what happened to him, he was one of the most amazing people I've known... I keep on getting the flashbacks and memories, which torment me further. My brother's death is what had started my cold slippery path down through self harm, and depression. Which eventually lead to the voices I hear a lot, usually when it's silent, and there's nothing on my mind, and delusions once I'd revisited the river. /_

_I was the one who deserved to die, not Ryan. Even my father had said that to me, after he'd found me collapsed in the bath tub naked, surrounded by my own dried red blood running from my wrist. I remember his exact words..._

_"You just have to be centre of attention, don't you Jade. I mean Ryan is... dead because of you, and you still have to make everything about you. That's the way you've always been though Jade, always have to have the drama surrounding you, I just can't put up with you any more Jade. You're such a selfish bitch, I don't know what to do with you. I don't even want you to exist. I'd rather YOU were dead"_

_Words last forever... These have stuck with me since I was 14. Just another thing to add on the list, of why life was no longer worth living. What is the point in life?_

_There has to be some sort of purpose to the shit everyone has to go through. Ending it all seemed like such a better idea. The cutting was good at the time, but I craved something more, something that would last forever. Right now, I would do anything just to have a blade here with me, and I mean ANYTHING._

_Any sharp objects that we use e.g. A razor, must be supervised the entire time through its use, then given back, and put into a box somewhere. We're not even allowed shoes with laces or scarves in here, in fear that we'll strangle ourselves with them._

_I just want out of here. I'd kill to get out of here..._

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review, and let me know what you think. If you have any ideas of another way I could go with this, let me know. So far I have a basic outline of the first 7/8 chapters. Anyway, see you soon, bye. X


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